This is something I have only shared with my family and a couple friends. I just wanted to talk about it here.
When I was about 15 weeks pregnant I took a blood test called AFP it looks for all kind of genetic disorders. While it did not go well I got a call from my OB telling me I need to go talk to a genetic counselor about the results. This is just not something I wanted to hear but of course we went.
When we got there we were told that our baby had a 1 in 14 chance of being born with Down Syndrome. I can tell you that the fucking floor just about fell out from below me. My mom had a brother who was down syndrome but he did not even make it home he died at about 3 weeks old at the hospital. This was just so devasting to me. So I just sat there and listened as best as I could. We were to go to the hospital and have an ultrasound they would measure different things and they also wanted me to have an amnio..UH NO THANKS. You will not be sticking a big fucking needle into my stomach, not today or any other day for that matter.
So we went to the hospital and had the ultrasound we were told everything looked okay BUT that really did not mean anything I should really have the amnio..really they wanted me to have this amnio. It hit me there. I was 16 weeks at this point getting close to the "deadline".
What is the "deadline" you ask I was getting close to when they really do not want to do abortions anymore. So when my OB called me that night to ask me why I did not get the amnio I told her I WAS IN NO WAY TERMINATING THIS PREGNANCY!! Even if we did the amnio and they told me the baby had down syndrome I could not have terminated. This baby is a part of Jamie and I......it is us. I could never do that.
Not only did we get this news that day but we also got some other news, we found out we were having a baby girl. As much as I wanted to be happy and I was, it was still such a hard day.
I did alot of research about down syndrome and did my best to learn alot.
Of course I wanted a healthy baby but I loved her already so I knew we could handle anything. Throughout the rest of the weeks of the pregnancy. I tried not to focus on it to much just letting it fall to the way side and just take care of myself. I am not sure if that was the right thing to do but it was the right thing to do for me.
I had ultrasound after ultrasound for gestationational diabetes(a whole other issue) and with everyone they said she seemed to be okay, no Downs markers...but I still worried.
So the day came to be induced and I did not even tell Jamie this until a few days after we got home with Sloane..but when they first put her in my arms I looked down to check. She was perfect.
She does not have down syndrome and I do not think it makes me a bad person that I was relieved that she doesn't. I would love her NO MATTER what but I know that with a child with down syndrome there are alot of things to deal with not only with the childs health.
I am not sure why I am typing this. I just needed to get it off my chest.
People keep asking if I want to have anymore kids and to be honest this is one reason why I do not. I am scared of that 1 in 14.